Invisible Scars
by Rachelle Ryan
Summary: Richie has been hiding his past from everybody and Amanda's about to stumble on to it


Ryan, Rachelle  
  
Invisible Scars  
  
Email address: Ashia_666@hotmail.com mailto:Ashia_666@hotmail.com  
  
Rating:PG-13 no explicit abuse  
  
Keywords:  
  
Character Listing: A RR D  
  
Summary: Richie has been hiding his past from everyone and Amanda's about to stumble on to it  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Richie Ryan, Amanda, and Duncan MacLeod they belong to Panzer/Davis and Rysher. Suzy Michael, Mr. Becton, Sisy, and Terri do belong to me though I'm thinking of setting them free.  
  
Invisible Scars  
  
Richie  
  
Right now what I want to do most is get away. I just want to disappear. Oh, quit lying to yourself Richie you know what you want to do. Looking over at the still glaring MacLeod I felt the sudden urge to do something I hadn't done in a long while. But this argument with Mac was really starting to fray my self-control. Amanda across the room has a confused look on her face. She doesn't get how what I did was such a big deal and has already said so. Just because I had thrown a guy across the room for trying to pick on one of the other customers Mac had thrown a fit. I had long ago tuned out his ranting, a skill I learned as a kid, but he was still at it.  
  
Grabbing my jacket I started heading towards the door. He yelled after me. "Where do you think you're going?"  
  
"Out." I returned not even slowing. Stop Ryan, you don't want to do this. I tell myself but my feet they seemed to have a mind of their own. After I get out the door I turn the corner and start heading to the one place I know I can lose all my problems and retreat from the world. The last place anyone would expect to find Richie Ryan.  
  
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Amanda  
  
I watch Richie leave with confusion. Duncan usually doesn't act like that and I can see how much it hurt Richie. The gate slams. It'll be impossible to approach Duncan now especially because I took Richie's side. Where is that boy going anyway? Might as well follow him so that the day's not a total loss. Snatching my coat and climbing down off the rail I was sitting on I raced after Richie.  
  
Outside I found he'd already had a good head start on me. Frowning I started after him. Where the hell is he going anyway? With a shrug I gave up trying to guess the kid's destination. Actually following him wasn't as easy as I thought it would be he did some pretty professional moves to ditch his watcher. The watcher wouldn't recognize them as such but after years of being followed by the best; Interpol, FBI, police, even Mounties I know a pro ditch. Which brings the question to mind where did an ex-punk learn to do it? Surely not Duncan. I'd be surprised if he ever even noticed his watcher. Mortals didn't tend to show up on Duncan's radar.  
  
Richie finally seemed to reach his destination; he stood outside for a couple minutes as if struggling with himself on wither to go in or not. When he finally did I glanced up at the sign and almost died of shock it read Moiré's Gymnastics.  
  
  
  
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Richie  
  
My little escape was definitely something that I didn't want the watchers in the know about heck the only one who knows about it at all is Angie. Everyone else who did is dead. Nope don't go there Richie you don't need to get suicidal. So when I spotted my watcher about two blocks behind me I pulled some evasion tricks out of my bag of secrets. I snorted at the irony. Everyone thinks they know me so well but they never question how if I was such a terrible thief did I survived on the street for... um two years eight months three weeks and five days. My life is full of shit and I learned real young when you give up an edge you can't ever get it back. Old habits die-hard.  
  
That also led me right back to where I am now. Throughout my childhood only one thing that I had that gave me any sense of freedom or joy was gymnastics. It started really early. Emily Ryan was a champion gymnast and whenever her and Mr. Ryan would have a fight she used to pack me up and head out to the gym. Watching her move was like watching magick. She even started showing me some basic moves. It was one thing we always did together. When Mr. Ryan left we used to do it every day after Emily got home from work. I remember one day when I was four I had just done a move prefect and she smiled down at me and said I was a natural. That was the happiest moment of my life and I knew I would do anything to make my mom proud.  
  
Then she died. I didn't talk for a year after that. And no one wanted the little boy with too sad eyes that didn't talk so I stayed at the orphanage and for a year the magick of gymnastics was gone. I don't know why Suzy Michaels decided to foster me. She probably felt sorry for me. I was only five but I have an eidetic memory, which means I remember everything I see and hear. I had to look it up after the doctor told me I had it. Another one of my numerous secrets. So at the time I was trapped in a kind of living nightmare reliving Emily falling to the ground over and over. Oh, not every moment but every time something reminded me. Which in my state of mind was often. Then one day Suzy and me were shopping when we came upon the gym, at this point I think she was beginning to get a little feed up with my continued apathy, when I stopped and stared. It was the gym my mom and me used to go to. The gym had this big glass window that people could see in and I just stood and stared. For once instead of seeing Emily dead I saw the gymnastic sessions I used to love so much and I smiled.  
  
This totally shocked Suzy and she let go of my hand. When she did I ran in and hugged the instructor in a huge hug. After that I had no trouble talking and I went to gymnastics lessons four times a week. It wasn't enough but Suzy couldn't take me every day like Emily used to.  
  
Suzy died in a car accident a year and six months later. This time I didn't retreat from the world but I just wasn't the same and once again the magick was gone. This time though I was fostered out right away to a family with a drunken abusive father. I still have scars from what that bastard did to me. He loved nothing more than to beat on me and my foster sister. I would usually get him mad enough to go after me to protect Sisy. My voice became my weapon and it protected Sisy from most of that bastards attacks. That's where I learned you have to laugh or all you'll do is cry. I used my voice to both cheer up Sisy and protect her.  
  
The two months in that home taught me to protect the people I care about above all else. Love with all your heart, protect your friends and family and survive no matter what as long as the first two are kept safe. That became my motto and I did everything I could to protect Sisy. Mr. Becton had threatened to kill us if we ever told any one but I knew if we kept silent one of us would end up dead any way. So one night after a really horrible beating I convinced Sisy to call the police since I could barely move and HE had used a knife this time and I was bleeding bad.  
  
When I was only seven years old I had been through one horror after another. This is when I started stealing. The civil servant shrinks that social services hire believed that I stole as a way of release but actually I stole as a way of gaining my release. The only thing that made me happy was gymnastics so I stole to pay for my lessons. Never telling any of the endless string of foster parents of my escape. I had learned well from Becton. I switched gyms often when the owner became suspicious of a young child coming to lessons alone without ever hearing from his parents.  
  
I became a great conman. After all who's going to argue with a sweet little kid who says his parents are at work and he walked or that they're dropping your sister off some place or another. No one expects a kid to convincingly lie but I was very good at coming up with real like excuses. They still always got suspicious sooner or later so I would switch gyms. I never gave them true information so when I suddenly stopped coming they had no way to reach me.  
  
I would switch also when I switched homes. By then I was used to walking miles to the nearest gym when I had to but sometimes it was just to far away. Somehow one way or another I always had gymnastics in my life. As I grew older I also learned of easier was to get the money I needed than to pick peoples pockets, which was ultimately about as good as I was at stealing besides picking locks because the thieving business is such a crowded world already and no one wanted to teach me. At twelve I started my first real criminal job. I was a professional tail. You wanted to have your employee followed? Hire Ryan he's the best in the biz. I worked for anyone with money followed all sorts of people. I was very good at my job and I got lots of assignments. I worked for the Feds, drug dealers, your wife, you name it. No one ever met me face to face I made sure. Don't think they would have hired someone not even old enough to drive a car to follow people for them. I worked through a bookie that wouldn't have cared if I were two years old as long as he made money off it. At thirteen I also learned computer hacking from another of the pros in the biz who owed me a favor and sorta liked me. Figured I could branch my tracking into the electronic area.  
  
Also around this time my gym instructor started bugging me. He thought I had talent. Enough talent in fact to go to the Olympics when I got older. I snorted when he told me, imagine me Richie Ryan an Olympian. What a laugh, I'd been hiding for so long I didn't think I could ever come out. Plus thirteen-year-old boys just weren't supposed to get excited over gymnastics. Sure every time I got out on the mat or on the parallel bars I felt like I could do anything but I wasn't supposed to. Boys were and still are supposed to get excited over hockey or football not pansy gymnastics. So I kept my hobby, which was more like an addiction, in the shadows along with all the illegal activity I did to pay for it. I ignored my instructor's urging to start competing and found another gym.  
  
By this time I had gone through six abusive foster homes. Not all inflected physical pain though. My tormentors found it very eerie the way I never seemed to show any emotion and let all their abuse run off me like water. They never knew that no matter what they did I always had joy that they could never take away because no one knew. It kept me sane I think.  
  
And now here I am standing outside one more gym in one more part of the city trying to keep sane when pressure starts to bare. This is one of my back up places. I have quite a few scattered through out the city and they all have a sizable advance paid in case of a situation just like this. I don't have enough money to spend on fancy things because I spend it on gyms to keep up my habit so I guess it is my fancy thing. Any way the money is paid so that any time I show up I can get the back room all to myself. Where no one can see me. Ever since I became an immortal I've added some new tricks that include my sword and it would attract too much attention to do them in the open. Not that I didn't use back rooms before that I didn't want some one walking by that could recognize me seeing gymnastics.  
  
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Amanda  
  
Standing there I felt an idiot. Me shocked! What a change. Hesitating outside the door I wondered why exactly Richie came here. Maybe he has friends here. But that thought didn't sit right. I pushed my confusion back. Time to get some answers; I pushed the doors to the gym open and was greeted by silence as the students working out on the mats turned to check out the new arrival. A glance from the instructor got them back to work quickly enough. At only about 30 and standing at 5'1" she didn't look very threatening until till you took a closer look. Her dark brown hair was done up so that not a strand was out of place, she was wearing a green leotard and black leggings. An air of competence seemed to roll off her. Before I had come in she had been standing next to a young girl spotting her. Moving to meet me she gestured for another person to take her place.  
  
"I'm Terri. May I help you?" She asked upon stopping in front of me. At her assessing look I glanced down at myself. Under my usual black trench coat I had on a dark blue klingy dress that actually reached my ankles the slit in the side was decent but I guess I wasn't really dressed for the gym  
  
A little sheepish I said, "I'm looking for my friend. He just came in here." I glanced around the gym to see if I could spot Richie. Not seeing him I turn my gaze back at Terri. She nodded and gestured for me to follow her. We walked to the back of the gym, which was rather large I noticed. Terri stopped in front of a door and motioned for me to wait.  
  
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Richie  
  
I had just changed when Terri open the door. I knew it had to be something serious because the staffs at all my get a ways were paid to leave me alone except for in mitigating circumstances. Damn I'm starting to sound like Suzy again. She hadn't just taken me to gymnastics classes as her form of Payment she had made me memorize words out of the dictionary and to read. While I was with her I read 245 books. I know because she kept track. She had a marking system that measured the toughness of my books so I couldn't slack off either. She figured I had to earn my gymnastics lessons. Along with some of the newer writings I read alot of the classics like; Charles Dickens, Robert Browning, William Shakespeare, Mary Shelly, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Emily Dickinson.  
  
The reading sure did come in handy later when trying to fool people. Huge vocabularies make a person seem more trust worthy at least on younger people. Just another thing I had to hide from the kids at school though, dumb orphans aren't supposed to know big words. At least that's what Becton would say when he couldn't understand the words I'd used to insult him with then he'd beat me. I used that to my advantage often with him in trying to direct his anger and I learned what not to say. Later I covered up my education to fit in with the other street people. They get suspicious if you talk smart, means you could be a spy. Which most of the time I was.  
  
Terri waited for me to acknowledge her at my nod she said, "Ryan there is a woman looking for you. She came in shortly after you did."  
  
I sighed. She couldn't be my watcher, I had lost him a long time back, besides that my watcher was a guy. Running down the list of people that could or would be looking for me that were female and good enough to follow me without my noticing I got a very short list. And one of the top suspects just happened to be in town no less. I got a very bad feeling. Ah shit. "Let her in Terri." Fate just hates me.  
  
All my suspicions were confirmed when I felt the buzz hit me. I mean come unless some immortal chick had decided to track me down and kill me lately the only one it could be was Amanda...  
  
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Amanda  
  
When the girl Terri opened the door I don't know what I expected to find. But Richie standing in a gym just as big as the one I had just left looking nervous was not it. Some how even though I had seen Richie going in I still couldn't believe it. I had some how imagined it all being just one big mistake. The feeling of the buzz banished that idea. I barely heard the door closing behind me as Terri left.  
  
Richie sighed. "How do you want to play this?" He sounded almost beaten.  
  
Richie sounding like that almost broke my heart. He's supposed to be a fountain of energy with eternal optimism. It scared me that he could sound so hopeless. Deciding to get out of this place was my first thought. It would do us both good to talk in neutral territory. "Let's get something to eat while we talk. Please?" I turned my man killing pouty face on. I was a little surprised when he barely reacted to it at all, most of he time Richie practically melts in my hands whenever I even look hard at him. I turn on the charm a little more and finally he nods his consent.  
  
"Fine Amanda." His voice still lacked t he usual energy that was his trademark and that depressed me even more. Some how even with all of the things Richie seen and done he always seemed so innocent to me and right now he sounded like the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders. Richie shocked me again with the clean efficient way he changed clothes. There was no wasted movement just a practiced ease and speed that took me by surprise. Normally Richie is a being of excesses in movement, in speech, and in action. Today really was showing me exactly how little I really knew the person in front of me. Richie.  
  
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Richie  
  
I was pretty much moving on autopilot following her to where ever. In my head I was scared to death of what Amanda was going to ask. I have never talked to any one about any of this before. Angie had found out all those years ago but it was one of those things we silently agreed to not talk about. I feared what everyone would think when they found out all the things I hadn't told them. I hadn't lied exactly I just hadn't offered up all the information about my past but I don't think it will make much difference in the end. I some corner of my mind I think I was still afraid of being sent away again like a fruitcake that nobody wants. Irrational fears are the ones that grip us strongest I guess because even reality can't shake them. So I was coming up with all sorts of worst case scenarios making me more and more sure that I was going back on the road soon with no where to go and no one to turn to.  
  
I was dragged out of my thoughts when Amanda suddenly stopped in front of a little cafe and opened the door turning back to see if I was following. Some of what I had been thinking must have shown on my face because she said, "Richie you know what my old teacher used to say to me?" I shook my head. "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. Usually when she thought I was lying. I don't know everything about you Richie and your more complex than I ever thought you were I realize that now but hiding forever doesn't help it just leaves you lonely and alone." Then she walked through the door leaving me stunned. There had been something in her eyes when she had said that to me. Some thing I couldn't identify.  
  
Come to think of it Amanda never tries very hard to conceal how she feels or what she does. Everyone knows Amanda's a thief and a con but she's just too good to get caught. She's guileless yet still gets away with everything. She is great at the tactic of diversion. Make you look over here and miss what I'm actually doing. I smiled realizing it had worked on me I had momentarily been diverted from my gloomy thoughts by her diversion.  
  
Taking a deep breath I asked myself though if I wanted to trust Amanda to tell her all my secrets. Surprised to find that I did. I had been caring around my grief for years and dragging my secrets not far behind. Stonewalls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage. As Richard Lovelace said and I had been living in a prison of maybe not my own making but one I had done nothing to try and escape ever since the first day I learned that people could be crueler than any devil. Releasing that breath I took the handle to the door knowing this was the point of no return, I could turn around go home and never talk of this ever and not have to admit to the terrible things in my past or I could go in and finally trust. Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. As Sidney J. Harris said and right now I tend to agree with him because I know that if I don't do this I will regret it for as long as I live. Amanda was offering me a chance to climb out of the shadows and I despratly wanted to take her up on it. I turned the knob and walked into the cafe knowing that this was probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. Sick and tired of my life I really didn't give a damn as long I could stop hiding.  
  
She had taken a corner booth and was waiting for me. Amanda smiled when she saw that I had finally come in and waved me over. I slid into the bench across from her.  
  
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Amanda  
  
For a moment I was afraid he wasn't going to come in.He was just standing out side the door not moving. I was relieved when Richie finally made up his mind and entered. I had seen the pain in his eyes and part of me was screaming out to help heal him. It was obvious that Duncan had missed all the pain and secrets Richie is hiding but that is so like Duncan. He never looks beyond the obvious and takes everything you say at face value until its proven false. Its part of his whole Boy Scout attitude. He probably never noticed all the pain in Richie and if he did never thought of it as what really it was. True I hadn't noticed before but I have an excuse I hardly ever see Richie. I still feel guilty though.  
  
On the walk here I was thinking that I had just caught Richie doing something he didn't want others knowing about and that was it but when I turned around to open the door I caught a glimpse of his face. It was full of fear and pain. Part of me broke at the sight and that's when my mothering instinct took over. It doesn't happen often but sometimes I feel this urge to protect like what I had felt with Kenny. Richie was really bringing it out in me that's why I told him what Rebecca used to tell me for some reason I feel like his teacher. The woman I thought was my mother,  
  
He slid in to the booth opposite me and we sat there in silence for what seemed like forever but was only a couple moments. He was staring down at his hands not daring to look at me. I barely heard him when he started talking he was so quiet. "I don't know what Mac told you but my life has been pretty shitty. The woman I thought was my mother, Emily Ryan, died right in front of me when I was four. I didn't talk for a year after that. Emily was a gymnast she would take me with her when she went to the gym that's where I first started learning." He snorted. "I'm a survivor Amanda. I've survived my own mental hell, the streets, all types of abuse, and death. A good survivor never gives away an advantage. You can't get it back. And I've been living by that for so long I just can't stop. I was a killer long before I was an immortal. I've seen things that'll make you lose your lunch and then some and didn't even phase me. Mac thinks he has to protect me and maybe in some ways he does but I've been protecting him from the truth for so long. No one really knows me Amanda because they don't ask and I don't tell. Gymnastics were my escape and they still are. I...Amanda you're a thief I'm a survivor we've got a lot in common that maybe the reason I'm telling you all this. I never have before you know? Told any one and I don't know what to do now." It all came out in a rush and like flood gates opening.  
  
There are tears running down his cheeks. He still hasn't looked up at me yet so I grabbed his hands with my own and then got up from my booth and slid in next to him wrapping my arms around his already shaking body. I stared making comforting nonsense sounds rocking him back and forth. The waiter came over to take our orders but I shook my head at her and she got the hint and left.  
  
I held him like that for what seemed like hours before he finally ran out of tears. The whole time he had been crying silently which just showed me how much Richie's early years still affected him. He was afraid make any noise to draw attention to himself even today. I felt myself wanting to hold him in my arms forever to protect whatever innocence he had left because that was what Richie was really crying for, his innocence.  
  
Duncan could never really understand the way Richie felt. He had a good childhood with loving parents and clan. He might say he did and believe it too but he never really could. I might not know everything about Richie and I had no idea how terrible his youth had been but I do know how hard living on the streets could be. Hell, in my time people died a lot more often there, I don't think things have changed that much. I never went through the abuse the Richie has but I have know people that have, I've seen them collapse. I never realized how strong Richie is before now. That Richie could be such a kind and loving person after all the things that have happened to him and never talking to any one about them shows me just how strong his spirit really is.  
  
When he finally raised his eyes to mine I saw shame in them and fear. I kissed him on the nose and pulled him closer to me. "It'll be alright. Don't worry." I felt him nod against my chest and like a child he drifted off to sleep in my arms.  
  
I saw one of the waiters standing behind the counter smile at me and I smiled back. I knew that Richie's problems hadn't disappeared just because he had told me and had a good cry, that only works in stories but it was a start. And as I held him in my arms I found that I was willing to do anything to help him.  
  
Fin 


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